I hoped that by imaging the phoenix this year, 2009, would be an improvement on 2008. Well, rather than an instant improvement, it continued to go downhill, though it didn't culminate until later. Work has been an ever more dismal and abusive situation than I have ever had to endure.
February did have some bright spots, primarily in my school project for Photography, so I used a test print of one of my favorite shots. The project was shot mostly with a plastic camera which doesn't allow much control of exposure time and aperture, and gives a kind of accidental quality to the photos, so when I accidentally used too much heat when I dry-mounted this print, and I kind of liked the effect, I decided to keep it, and used it for the month anyway. I think it's kind of fun!
March is for my mother and brother, and for all my fellow water types! This is the last ray of light for a while...
April is when it all came down. I ended up in stress leave from work, and had to fight with my group insurance to be paid while I healed. They refused. April was a black hole of depression. I found the lack of creativity to be the most distressing part. I thought this image fit the month. There isn't even an ecretion disk because this black hole has eaten everything it can find.
I'm not much of a blog writer (as you can tell), and I didn't really intend this to be a narrative of any kind, but in a sense the entries for April, May and June are.
May was slightly less bleak than April, but it still wasn't that much better.
In June I hit a milestone year, and on top of that things still weren't all that much better. I was still on stress leave and seriously questioning my choice of profession. I think the mistake and lack of my usual finesse echoes my emotional state at this time.
Now, all I have left are 2 months to catch up, and July and August were starting to get better.
8 comments:
Oh Jonna, you have so clearly journaled your year with your work... I love that we get to know you through your pieces... from the deepest dark moment of the black hole through the hope of the Phoenix and the joy of the "water types" in your family. All of them make my heart go out to you in comfort and care.
My husband, dealing for 17 years with a totally toxic manager, finally had to leave his job as depression claimed him in its dark jaws. Two years later, he's finally starting to emerge. I don't think he'll be able to work (hold a job) again, but at least joy is once again penetrating the darkness. I say this, because I feel understanding and optimism for you because of it.
Thanks for posting your pictures. I look forward to seeing the next two!
Jonna - i felt a sense of bravery and even though your beading was minimal I can understand the struggle sometimes. Keep the thought that your beading buddies are always with you in the corners whereever a #15 bead may hide.
Diane, New Zealand
Joanna - I am so sorry that this has been a difficult year for you. Your bead embroidery reflects this, and also periods of joy seem to seep out in the colors and patterns. Stay committed to getting well and taking care of yourself.
I just browsed all of your blog for the first time. Your work is lovely, and so meaningful in many ways. I especially like the beautiful moon, and your Phoenix is incredible! I'll continue to follow with joy.
O these are all beautiful, and heartfelt, and so honest. I love them all! you are feeling better, I hope, and coming out of the dark woods (as I call dark depression) to the light on the other side. thank you for sharing.
Thank you all for your wonderful comments! I'm tearing up as I read them!!! It's been hard to heard encouragement from people since this whole mess began, but I'm getting to the point where I'm able to accept it. I'm really touched by the caring that people have extended to me, and to have people I've never met, who only know of me through a few pictures and some simple text. Thank you so much!!!
Robin, I'm so sorry to here about your husband's trouble. My heart breaks to hear how badly people can be treated by those they are providing a service to. I can't imagine 17 years of it!
I went through only 1 of true hell, but I've taken this as an opportunity to re-examine my choices, my flaws, and my potential. I am now starting to be excited about my future, and the adventures it will bring! I am going to be concentrating on school, to finish my degree in Art History, while keeping up my skills as a graphic designer up by doing a bit of freelance to help pay the bills. I see student loans in my future, but they will be a pleasure to pay back compared to the lack of respect and treatment as just another machine.
Robin, please extend my sympathy and understanding to your husband, and I hope he has or finds something he enjoys doing to give him a sense of accomplishment. I have been finding that simply making a list of things that I HAVE to do, and getting them done has made a difference in my sense of self-worth and confidence in my abilities. I wish him all the best!
Thanks so much, Jonna, for your understanding about my husband. Yes, it's important to "keep doing" whatever.. making lists... getting things done... feeling better as a result. Robert is starting to do that now. For a while all he could do was watch day-time TV and sleep. Now he's starting to get outside and to read again. I am so relieved.
I'm also glad to hear you being able to accept encouragement and use it to keep you headed away from black and toward color again. Art history? Bravo! May every student loan put a mile of distance between you and "just another machine."
All of your pieces are so poignant and beautiful, Joanna. Here's wishing you a brighter and happier year to come . . .
Kathy V in NM
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